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INTRODUCING ME

Tuesday, August 13, 2019

August 30, 2017


 She had her hair up in a bun.
The strings of her bathing suit peeking out
a tank top that says be bold.

She was bold
sitting in her swimsuit in public
music blasting from her blue tooth.

Other people are looking at her
and she’s laughing with her best friend
about the cheesy joke she just made.

She laughed at her own jokes
as she only found herself funny.
She says to her best friend
Society is messed up
and her friend looks at her funny.
No I mean look around you
She looks around and shrugs
I see people she says
These people…around us…are staring at me
Her friend sighs
What I can’t lie on the beach in my swimsuit
No you should.
She replies

The sun shimmered on her brown skin
and on the tires of her wheelchair.

As she screamed at the top of her lungs
when the waves came in and immersed in her body

Her smile was brighter than the sun.


She just wanted to be bold
and you know she was.
Oh, how she had a heart made out of gold

It scared her.  
She was so bold that it made the bones in her body jump.


Monday, August 12, 2019

Inedible Cotton Candy





Brittle and bare trees sway back and forth. I hear the whisper in the whisk of the wind as it dances on the edges of my ears when the sliding door slams shut behind me. The shattering force of the wind caresses the back of my neck as I swerve on a sharp corner of this deserted, twisted alley. I think about how much strength it took to divide the wet cement into broken holes. These bent corners of cement are like the edges of my heart that want to scream sadness into the rainbow-like sky above me. The sky is so bright and bubbly; two characteristics that I want to obtain. It evokes my undivided attention towards the highway, passing by the florescent-lit Chevron where my body shivers as the wind hits me harder. Traffic here is always insane; a car almost hits me despite knowing the crosswalk sign is on. The rush of the cars makes my once-numbed face feel again as if a nurse is putting numbing cream onto your skin before she inserts the IV into your warm-blooded skin. Cars on the highway seem to echo the sound of the screams in my mind. All I do is wait for something better rather than just managed to exist. I turn on Nanaimo Street, now entering my favourite place; Trout Lake, a neighbourhood where I wish I spent my entire childhood. I spot puddles from the previous day’s storm and shudder at my reflection. One or two dogs pull their owner in my direction which leaves them confused at first. They nod at me as I direct my attention to their precious dog. Soon after the owners pull their dogs away, my mind goes back to the puddles in strange places. There must have been a sad soul crying from above as the once distraught sky looks like cotton candy. The green, dirty tires of this old wheelchair are going over bumps as if I am on a roller coaster. I wonder if I could ever be high enough in the clouds just to be. Perhaps the sky tastes like cotton candy. I wouldn’t mind that.







Sunday, August 19, 2018

Pause



I couldn’t imagine the lengths she would go for me. Maybe it was my lack of faith or maybe I thought she’d had left by now. It was this one day that changed my perspective on her. We decided to go out to North Vancouver. We usually plan out where we go a few days in advance due to the six wheels attached to my body. We’re at this market and we’re both bored to death. I can't count how many times I’ve been to the quay in North Vancouver. There’s just water and boats sailing around. That’s cool and all but all I crave these days is an adventure. I want to swim in the water even though I can't actually swim. Does that matter? If I drown, I know you’ll jump in to save me.  I want my body to become messy and disgusting by the powers of nature. You start looking up “what to do in Vancouver” as if we’re tourists in our own city. As you make suggestions, I laugh at the fact that we aren’t prepared for many of these but maybe I was being a tad dramatic. Could you blame me?
She is the ice to my fire as she calms the wild thoughts in my mind. She seemed fiercer than I could ever be. She had bright green hair and ripped shorts on her body. I can’t recall the top, but I can surely promise you that it was funky just like her personality.
We were still in North Vancouver, surrounded by water when she suggested English Bay. She quickly mentions that it has a wheelchair path before I shut it down. I couldn’t deny the beach, and she knew that out of all the people. She knew I could spend hours staring at the ocean and never get bored.
We got to the beach and my breath was taken away. It was such a clear day with the mountains visible and the sun reflecting upon the ocean. There are families with their kids, couples and platonic girlfriends, like Amber and I.  She leads me to the path because she knows I always get lost – thank god for her. I give her my phone and I don’t even have to tell her what to do. She takes a video of me rolling down the path, both screaming and squealing and not caring that people around us are staring. She finishes taking the video and hands my phone back to me. Then, she helps me get down from my wheelchair and onto the sand which is something she has never done before. I begin to realize this friendship is meant to last a lifetime.  All my life, I expected people would enter my life, get to know my deepest darkest secrets and then take off. She hasn’t and gotten through the worst part which is, ironically the best part of it all.
            She was in the water, not too deep because that shark tattoo on her thigh was still tender. She’s kind of a nature freak too but not as much as me. I will gladly accept that crown. As she was standing in the ocean playing with the water, I was taking pictures of her. As I’m doing so, I try to recall what I did to deserve her. It was just two years ago when I chose her as my chemistry partner just because she seemed cool. At that moment, on the beach with beautiful weather and a gorgeous girl by my side, I couldn’t fathom what I had done to deserve this. The sun is bouncing upon her green hair as she is walking towards me with that look on her face. You know, the look which you feel a comfort of love in.
Could someone be at such peace by looking at the ocean?   I realize that she’s in the ocean and I am not. I see all these people in their boats or with their kids and I frown. Not in public of course; no one wants to see that at the beach. She finally looks at me after five minutes, so then I waved at her to come back.
            “I want to go in the water as well,” I said with my eyes glimmering and my voice sounding more hopeful than I expected it to be.
            “Of course,” she said as she took the things from my hands and got ready to walk me towards the water.

            This was the first time any friend had ever physically helped me more which was an amazing feeling.  I stood in the water with her arms around my waist so I wouldn’t fall. There it was; the most beautiful thing you can imagine. The breeze going through my hair as it was late-August, so it was a bit chilly.  I found it funny, you know? I die for what people take for granted.  

Friday, August 3, 2018

My deathbed


My face is staring at the ceiling
 contemplating why I’m laying
on this sterile, blue bed.

My wisdom teeth are about to vanish
from this mouth as if twenty is the age
where you have all the wisdom you need.

My eyelids are drifting down into
this abyss of needles and tubes.
Nurses are scattered around me
waiting to scar my skin.

Blue, latex gloves snapped on their fresh skin
ready to puncture my sterilized flesh
with shiny needles glimmering with hope
 only to crash my spirit in the coming hours.

The anesthesiologist carefully pushes the drugs
 into my melancholy veins
while this excruciating pain
 spreads all over my body
 unapologetically numbing me
as if I’m not numb enough.

These delicate eyelids burst
 open like it is the last moment as me

Strip me from everything I’ve got to give
yet still expect more.

The everlasting contradicting myth;
They say removing wisdom teeth makes you wiser.

It’s been two weeks and I’m

still a damsel in distress.

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Ataraxia

 The air I breathe In and out

With a sound of doubt

Lingering throughout my ears

Saying yes, while others say no



Having to bear that pain

Day and night

Isnt easy



When I die inside

The thumping gets louder

That thumping of music

Theres a knot in my stomach



At times

When

I have no clue

What to do



The beat of the song

Calms the mind

Cant define serenity

Just a wave of emotion

Which flows out



So much pain

That

I fall

Within a heartbeat



The images

Oh, the images

Trance into my mind

Like a bright wave

Of yesterday's

Memories



Waiting in the office

Is like

Waiting for that exam result

So stressful

You want to know

But

At the same time

Your scared that

It might label you

As a failure



As I continue my journey

I long to desire

The capitative  sound

I adore



My music

Gives me peace

At mind

I zone out from

The surrounding

Learning to let go

Release my inner depth



I can never go a day

Without

Reaching for the sound

I die for

Calming my emotion

And

The stress



As soon as my name

Is called

I get that smile

The confident type of

Smile



Knowing I can rule

My emotion

It ends

As soon as

I hear that sound

So mesmerizing


Nothing else matters

Thursday, March 24, 2016

The part



Am I blind?


I can't see anymore

where we left off.


You're here,

I'm there.


A never ending story.

Continues through air.


Emotion

That kills

The heart


Looking at you

makes me die inside


Like a flower

which has no water


Dead inside


Where is that spark?


Before we part

I want to say

Your that part of me

that will never

disappear


The part that was

sacred, deep and intense


No one

And I mean


No one

can replace

the feeling you

dropped upon me


The day

you called me beautiful

and

hugged me


then vowing

your mine


Knowing one day


you would walk away 

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Hours and days


From the day I met you until now.

It's so different;

The memories we made and the bond we retain.

And I still remember the day I was confused.

I dont remember why. 

So shy, but confident

Our bond has grown so much

As if a tree is blossoming in the spring



The root represent a base, the trunk represents trust and the leaves swaying back and forth are us



Our weird ways and craziness

How we put up with each other

We've seen the good and bad but we're still tight like a rope

Our days are countless but there are more hours to come

And nothing can tear us apart

We are strong like the air around us. 



Your gentle touch makes everything better

As if there is a raging storm in my heart but ur gentle voice blows it away

And our little jokes makes me laugh at the most odd places

No where you are or where I am

We're still so close

Our days pass by like a wave of memories

 and our hours pass by as laughter